Now, about THE KISS

There are many types of kisses. There are the innocent kiss of the child who expresses their love to their parent, the friendship cheek kiss, the movie on screen kiss, the passionate kiss, the French kiss and the kiss of love between a man and a woman.

President Kimball condemned the French kiss as “An abomination that stirs passions to the eventual loss of virtue. Even if timely courtship justifies the kiss it should be a clean, decent, sexless one.” Also, “Kissing has been prostituted and has degenerated to develop and express lust instead of affection, honor, and admiration. To kiss in casual dating is asking for trouble. What do kisses mean when given out like pretzels and robbed of sacredness?”

To me, the kiss is the expression of the soul. Therefore, I do my best to be careful as to who I share that with. If a kiss becomes deeper than just a gentle kiss, then somehow, hands begin to move into areas that they should not be. That is where we become burned by crossing lines that we should be careful of.

Think about this: If you kiss someone and your mind goes blank and all you are focused on is the kiss and the next one and the next one, and the feelings that they are bringing to light, how can you stop? I admit, I know this well. Yes, there are times that my mind goes blank and all that I have done my best to do-to stay good-begins to fly out the window. I have trusted the other person who is participating in the kiss to stay sane enough to stop. This is where, for all of us, hearts are open and trust is being challenged.

Instant physical gratification becomes a drive. We need to decide who is driving? Are our souls important enough to put on the breaks? Are we strong enough in ourselves to be able to kindly help our companion put on their breaks as well?

I heard of a couple who cherished the kiss so much that they did not kiss until they were across the altar in the Temple being sealed together. I have a friend who cherished the kiss enough to wait 40 years before she allowed a kiss on her lips. Yes, she dated before that time. She even was kissed, but she would always turn her head so that the kiss she received was on her cheek.

Ok, I will admit that I was not been strong enough to be like either the couple or my friend, but I find that I can forgive myself for my weakness and each day try to be a little bit better, a little bit stronger.

I am now able to be with someone who will share with me the gentle kiss of love and I wish that you may have the same desire and opportunity.

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Friendship before love

This is an interesting concept, but very true. Take the time to become friends before getting married. Get to know each other, laugh together, work out problems together.

If the only thing that is making the relationship happen is the excitement of what will happen in the bedroom, what will happen when the activity decreases? What will we have to talk about with each other? Will we care? Will we go out and have interests that are the same? Will he be focused on sports and I will be focused on hobbies? What about agreeing on what color to paint our home? Can we agree on that? Will we be able to agree on where we want to go on vacation? Will he want to go skiing and I want to go to a beach? Will we be able to compromise?

President Spencer W. Kimball said, “While one is young and well and strong and beautiful or handsome and attractive, he or she can (for the moment) almost name the price and write the ticket; but the time comes when these temporary things have had their day; when wrinkles come and aching joints; when hair is thin and bodies bulge; when nerves are frayed and tempers are taut; when wealth is dissipated…”

There comes a time when those who flattered us and those who’s wit and charm deceived us may leave us to our fate. Those are times when we want friends, good friends, and common friends, loved ones, tied with immortal bonds-people who will nurse our illnesses, tolerate our eccentricities, and love us with pure, undefiled affection.

Then we need an unspoiled companion who will not count our wrinkles, remember our stupidities nor remember our weaknesses; then is when we need a loving companion with whom we have suffered and wept and prayed and worshipped; one with whom we have suffered sorrow and disappointments, one who loves us for what we are or intend to be rather than what we appear to be in our gilded shell.”

Right now, our world is focused on physical attraction. If we look good, our companion will love us. This may be why there are so many programs and ways to keep us looking young. We can have our bodies cut to look smaller, we can replace hair in the right places, remove hair from the wrong places, and we can dye our hair, remove wrinkles and plump ourselves in places that may begin to droop.

I am not saying that we should not be physically attractive; I believe that we should do that for ourselves and not for someone else. It is acceptable to be physically attracted and attractive to our companion, but remember, there is so much more than that to make a marriage last. When we are looking for a companion, looking inside the heart is just as important as looking at the appearance of that person.

Yes, I admit, I know what it is that I am attracted to. I even have another friend who told me what he is attracted to-he is drawn to the “Miss America” types because that is what was typical in his family. No, I am not one of those, but we find that we still can be friends, we laugh together, and we dance together. We share hopes with each other because we are friends. We encourage each other and I am finding that our friendship has lasted longer than a couple of his relationships. No, we know we are not to be together and we are fine with that.

It is good to have a friend. I have a female friend who has watched me through my last 2 marriages. She has stood by me through both of them and we still take time out to talk and to support each other. Now, I found a guy who will be my friend and be my companion and want to be with me for eternity… Oh yes, is that not what we are trying to do? Finding our eternal friends and companions?

We have been married to each other now for 2.5 years and it still feels like we are eternal companions. We have taken the time to become friends before we married. He has supported me through the tough times as well as being there for the good. We have goals from daily to eternal. We never look for the negative about each other and we try to encourage each other in our desires.

My hope is that when we are dating, we take the time to become friends before we step into a deeper relationship.

“Where there is honesty, other virtues will follow.”

President Gordon B. Hinckley stated, “Where there is honesty, other virtues will follow.”

Honesty shows through the eyes. Especially can be seen in the eyes of the one that we love. When they become dishonest, there is darkness in their eyes mixed with hurt. Because we love them, we begin to hurt with them, not knowing how to help them heal.

Understanding this, if we become dishonest, it can be seen by the ones who love us and they want to help us to stop, but they do not know how.

President David O. McKay said, “Honesty and sincerity are the basic virtues of a noble character. Honesty… is the first virtue mentioned in the 13th Article of Faith. It is founded on the first principles of human society and is the foundation principle of moral manhood. It is impossible to associate manhood with dishonesty. To be just with one’s self and to others, one must be honest with himself and with others. This means honesty in speech as well as in actions. It means to avoid telling half truths as well as untruths.”

 

What is “Totally Honest”? Does this mean that people accept being partially dishonest? That partly honest is a good thing?

No, we need to be honest in everything.Yes, it is a hard thing to be. It is a hard thing to do. Being honest can hurt. Remember, though, that with being honest, we can be kind. We can speak and act with love. That is one of the things that we are here to learn and to be. Watch what happens when we are honest. If you can see your whole life without feeling guilty about anything, then you are a truly honest person. Life improves, people trust us with all of their hearts, and we become strong.

Other virtues, such as consideration, excellence, faithfulness, generosity, hope, goodness, righteousness, purity and incorruptibility become easier to attain when we are honest with ourselves and others around us.

Trust Heavenly Father to guide us in our endeavors to being honest.

It is much easier to make changes in yourself before marriage than after marriage.

1. The motivation to change after marriage is not as strong because the couple is involved in everyday matters and will not take the time to make the changes.

2. A couple is trying to impress each other, so they are on their best behavior at all times until the wedding day. After that, they are able to let their hair down and show their true selves. Also, when this happens, they are able to take each other for granted.

3. After marriage we can be hurt more easily. We give our trust to the person we thought that we married and now, they see us when we are more vulnerable and they have a chance to criticize instead of encourage.

This leads to the word “Pride” which halts all progression.

One of my favorite quotes of all time is from President David O. McKay, “During courtship keep your eyes wide open, but after marriage keep them half shut!”I was married to my first husband over 25 years ago. I felt very old because of looking back and finding that instead of encouraging changes within myself during that marriage and to encourage it within him; we did fail through each of the 3 steps listed. In doing so, instead of finding the good in each other and encouraging each other, we sharpened #3.

Pride was a downfall. Pain is all I can remember of the last part of our marriage before I had to stand up and make the change in our lives. I found that after our divorce, I had to re-create myself and to allow myself to grow.

Now, I encourage the best in each person that I know and meet. I weep for the pain in my friends. I shout for joy when life is good. I have changed who I was to who I am now.

I believe that each day we have the opportunity to make changes within ourselves. Not only before marriage, but after. When I am sad, I know that I have friends who share my sadness, but also want me to feel happy. They are there for me and I appreciate all of them. When I change who I am, I try to be better.

I have a saying that I started a while ago that gives me hope. “I am as perfect as I can be today.”

Each day I wake up and I find that I have a clean slate. I am to decide what I am going to do with that day. If I make a mistake, I try to address it immediately so that I can say that quote in the evening. There are many times that I have not been able to say it, but then I have another day to work on it.

When we are in a relationship, I hope that each of us realizes that we are connected with someone who is also trying their best to be perfect. Encourage each other, find the good in each other, and shout for joy when your partner achieves what they are trying to do.

Communication and kindness are the keys to a good relationship!

Communication and kindness have an important role in any relationship.

This is not only for the Husband and Wife relationship, but will work in all forms-work, children, parents, siblings, etc.

I found that this is a big reason that my first marriage did not work. We forgot to really communicate. I do not even remember when he kissed me with the feelings of love behind the kiss. We only talked with each other to just get the day taken care of. Planning where the kids were to be, what responsibilities we had to take care of in church, house responsibilities, etc. I found that all I did was do my best to keep the world looking normal for the kids. I was so focused on working on this, that I avoided him when he was talking bad about me to anyone who would listen. I felt hurt, but I would not say anything in my defense because I believed that my problems were to stay in the home and not to be aired out on a weekly basis. When I did talk to anyone, I was trying to figure out how to fix things in my life and wanted a second opinion to give me options that I was not seeing.

The thing that I did wrong was that I did not talk to him about what he was doing. I did not confide in him anymore because I felt he would tell people-again. Communication broke down. I became his mother and told him what to do instead of being his wife. When this happened, there was no such thing as kindness. I became sharp. He was a sick man(which happened during our life together), and I lost patience with him after doing everything that I could to help him fix the problem-which was unfixable.

This is the example of when we lose sight of communicating with love and being kind to each other.

I can say that my next marriage had a lot more communication. It just was not spiritually-based. We did not have the 3-way communication we should have had. We did not include Heavenly Father in our lives like I wanted and we should have done.

What was wrong with both of these examples? We did not communicate with kind and tender hearts. Anger and Pride have a way of jumping in when we are not looking. President David O. McKay said, “I’m going to tell you the most important secret of human life. The most critical need of the human soul is to be kind.”

We need to be quick to forgive and let go. I have many friends who are currently having to learn this part.

It is hard, but to forgive without being asked is the greatest gift a person can do for their loved one. It heals and improves a relationship when we use the gifts that we have been taught,such as; kindness, compassion, truth and forgiveness.

We need to have common interests so that we have something to talk about. Yes, sometimes it is good to have someone who is your complete opposite in your life. They encourage you to grow and to learn new things. But, it is someone that we have things in common with that become our best friends.

What are common interests? Hobbies, sports, music, church, family, politics, even types of dating would be a common interest. When I went to dances, I try to ask odd questions to throw off the guy that I was talking with. In doing so, they found that they begin to talk with me for much longer than the end of the song.

My goal was to learn about the person I am with instead of just thinking that he was cute or what he may be thinking of me. I try to take the time to actually have a real conversation. In doing so, I found that I have been creating a large circle of friends that endure even to today.

My marriage is a great example of this! Communication was a hard part of my husband’s life before we were married. In his vows to me, he promised to make an effort to communicate with me even when it was hard. I do my best to listen and not shut him out. Instead of pointing fingers when a difficulty happens, we keep each other’s hearts as a primary focus. We work hard to make this happen.

This does not happen overnight and it has to be worked on continually. But, with our making effort for each other, it has really created a wonderful relationship!